Does anyone else ever feel it? Feel like this? Is this what's felt? I'm disconnected, omnipresent, I drift around this body and I see only through it. I'm pretty dizzy right now. Stressed? Yes. Feeling like my head's being pounded with an anvil onto a hammer. I'm sick. Been sick for a week. Weak? No. Not. I've been tough, I know. Strong, even, in context, yes.

The area of infection or whatever it is has grown. Green and callous. Bumpy, but jagged like so, like scales. It's been how long since I nicked myself? Can't recall. One would think that days, everyday all days are one when one is house-ridden. Nah. Every single day is uniquely miserable. On a particularly precipitous morning I can do my laundry. But I can't afford to overexert myself when food is scarce and every ounce of energy matters. On a particularly precipitous day I also get to drink. I can go on and on and on and on but I'd rather not because I'm feeling it right now and I don't want this thought to drift away.

So do others feel it? Feel this? A sense of unreality. A heightened sense of doubt. A sense of being lost when the surroundings never change. I dream at night. I sleep often now. I dream when I sleep and that seems to be certain. I dream and what I see is consistent. But how can it be? How does that happen? It's vivid, it's sensual. I'm aware. So tell me how. How? You can't. No one can. Who can tell me it's not real when what I see when I "sleep" is much more consistent, much more solid than what I see when I wake? Who can explain him? Why is he still here? I'm very curious. I want to know his reason. Why? Why not in dreams? Why here why now but not in dreams? Don't get me wrong. I don't prefer dreams over reality. Or is it reality over dreams? Either way they're ambiguous and I find it extremely difficult to classify one or the other. The phone still works. that's nice. They've been telling me to go find my family. To take myself out of this place and fly to another country. How. I should be bedridden. I'm rebelling against better judgment, against better health to move around the house. Someone's gotta keep up the housekeeping. Why go and find them? They're supposed to find me.

But do only I feel it, feel this? What's felt?