Saturday, December 22, 2007
Job description
It's been a long time since I vomited, and I can't say I missed the feeling. I want the feeling to go away right now.
My throat burns, my stomach feels bloated and painful, I can't stop coughing. I'm also drowsy like I'm sleep deprived. And to think I was gonna sleep this pain off before I puked.
I'm guessing it was something I ate. Something not so fresh. Seafood. "Cooked" oyster. Or maybe I just overate. Actually I'm gonna distract myself from thoughts of food right now. I don't wanna start praying to the porcelain god again.
This is the worst feeling ever.
My throat burns, my stomach feels bloated and painful, I can't stop coughing. I'm also drowsy like I'm sleep deprived. And to think I was gonna sleep this pain off before I puked.
I'm guessing it was something I ate. Something not so fresh. Seafood. "Cooked" oyster. Or maybe I just overate. Actually I'm gonna distract myself from thoughts of food right now. I don't wanna start praying to the porcelain god again.
This is the worst feeling ever.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Gets better
So having been bedridden for so long, it wasn't a surprise to find the house in its current state. I never noticed the place was so dusty until I started coughing the past few days. And I haven't really stopped. Every deep breath triggers the fits, but my lethargy triggers my yawns, and if I don't get my deep breaths, the fatigue gets worse. If only I can sleep it off, but the tiredness is mental rather than physical.
The cut is still painful, although it's not as dark anymore. I'm not sure if that's a good sign. Scabs are usually deep brown, right? But skin is still reattaching I think. It reopens frequently though, so it's a long process. Now not only does my stomach hurt from the cut, my lungs hurt from the wheezing. Been drinking lots of water; it's been tasting funny though. I changed the filters already, but the odd taste is still there. Can't seem to get rid of it. There's a tinge of sourness to the water, so I drink only when I need to, which is pretty often unfortunately. Not that water's unhealthy or anything. Well, usually it's not anyway.
Well, more on life later.
The cut is still painful, although it's not as dark anymore. I'm not sure if that's a good sign. Scabs are usually deep brown, right? But skin is still reattaching I think. It reopens frequently though, so it's a long process. Now not only does my stomach hurt from the cut, my lungs hurt from the wheezing. Been drinking lots of water; it's been tasting funny though. I changed the filters already, but the odd taste is still there. Can't seem to get rid of it. There's a tinge of sourness to the water, so I drink only when I need to, which is pretty often unfortunately. Not that water's unhealthy or anything. Well, usually it's not anyway.
Well, more on life later.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Disconnect
It appears my thoughts, my ideas, my musings and such have been unsettling for some people. I've had confrontations with people I know about things that I say or do. Particularly, they have problems with these entries.
Some have noted a disconnect, or even a downright contradiction between my entries and what I say in person. Have I been lying? Am I hiding behind a mask?
No. At least I don't think so. A mask is meant to obscure truth, whether the concealment is evident or not. It exists to conceal a face, or metaphorically, to hide an essence that identifies an individual.
To say that I hide behind a mask would imply that I am not appearing as my true self before others. There's a problem with this idea. As I said already, a mask exists to obscure truth. A mask's existence is affirmed by the existence of a private identity. The relationship between the two is not mutual, for a private identity need not be masked to be private. A hermit who isolates himself from society can have a private identity if no one knows about it, but he need not create a false persona to hide his true self. But a mask can only exist if the object it is meant to hide exists as well. If there's nothing to hide, there's no mask.
I'm not hidden behind a shell; I am a shell. There's a hollowness within me that grows continuously. Life is so daily, and it's worse by the day. It's the same thing everyday. Wake up feeling like I haven't slept, feeling like my wound has worsened rather than healed. The weather doesn't help my mood much. I remember the days when I would stay up late in the night to admire the quietness of the winter night, a cool blanket of white feathers hiding the cracked streets and rooftops, or the bright mornings when it seemed like the entire surface of the world shined. Not anymore. It's a pain to clear the snow every other day. It's a pain to trek through the blistering cold in the mornings when the paths are still blocked, just to get to work on time with thin black dress pants that the biting cold air easily penetrates. I open the fridge every morning and there's nothing in it. The bills are an eyesore on the kitchen counter, and the plants are turning deep brown. I won't get rid of them though. They might grow again come spring. They are starting to smell sour, however. It's very unpleasant. But enough of this. I'm going to bed.
Some have noted a disconnect, or even a downright contradiction between my entries and what I say in person. Have I been lying? Am I hiding behind a mask?
No. At least I don't think so. A mask is meant to obscure truth, whether the concealment is evident or not. It exists to conceal a face, or metaphorically, to hide an essence that identifies an individual.
To say that I hide behind a mask would imply that I am not appearing as my true self before others. There's a problem with this idea. As I said already, a mask exists to obscure truth. A mask's existence is affirmed by the existence of a private identity. The relationship between the two is not mutual, for a private identity need not be masked to be private. A hermit who isolates himself from society can have a private identity if no one knows about it, but he need not create a false persona to hide his true self. But a mask can only exist if the object it is meant to hide exists as well. If there's nothing to hide, there's no mask.
I'm not hidden behind a shell; I am a shell. There's a hollowness within me that grows continuously. Life is so daily, and it's worse by the day. It's the same thing everyday. Wake up feeling like I haven't slept, feeling like my wound has worsened rather than healed. The weather doesn't help my mood much. I remember the days when I would stay up late in the night to admire the quietness of the winter night, a cool blanket of white feathers hiding the cracked streets and rooftops, or the bright mornings when it seemed like the entire surface of the world shined. Not anymore. It's a pain to clear the snow every other day. It's a pain to trek through the blistering cold in the mornings when the paths are still blocked, just to get to work on time with thin black dress pants that the biting cold air easily penetrates. I open the fridge every morning and there's nothing in it. The bills are an eyesore on the kitchen counter, and the plants are turning deep brown. I won't get rid of them though. They might grow again come spring. They are starting to smell sour, however. It's very unpleasant. But enough of this. I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
In and out
The past couple of days have been a blur. I've been extremely lethargic, drifting in and out all the time. I'm not sure what the cause is, or rather, which of the causes has the biggest impact on me.
There's not much to do now that school is out. I tried occupying my time with writing, or drawing, or whatever creative task I can think of, but no ideas come to mind.
No, that's not true.
More like I've been having problems articulating myself in whichever medium I was using to create. If I wanted to draw, the picture would turn out awful. If I wanted to write, word would fail to capture the essence of my thought. If I wanted to cook, well, let's just say the final product would be crap.
I haven't been to work for the past few days either. I've been taking it easy at home, resting quite a bit. The wound on my stomach hasn't healed much. The skin appears to be reattaching, but it breaks easily and the pain is intense. I've tried putting salt on it because I remember someone telling me that salt can kill bacteria. Not a fun process, as one can imagine. I also tried applying anti-bacterial cream on the cut even though the label explicitly instructs the users not to put the cream on an open wound. Well screw that, I'm hurting badly.
It's good to be free from work and all, but the bills are piling up. I've received calls from different companies asking me to pay up. Hold your horses, people. A few late bills won't bankrupt you. Family will be back soon to handle it, I think. If not, just give me a few more days when I can actually walk up and down the stairs without doubling in pain at the end of each flight.
A little help now would be nice.
There's not much to do now that school is out. I tried occupying my time with writing, or drawing, or whatever creative task I can think of, but no ideas come to mind.
No, that's not true.
More like I've been having problems articulating myself in whichever medium I was using to create. If I wanted to draw, the picture would turn out awful. If I wanted to write, word would fail to capture the essence of my thought. If I wanted to cook, well, let's just say the final product would be crap.
I haven't been to work for the past few days either. I've been taking it easy at home, resting quite a bit. The wound on my stomach hasn't healed much. The skin appears to be reattaching, but it breaks easily and the pain is intense. I've tried putting salt on it because I remember someone telling me that salt can kill bacteria. Not a fun process, as one can imagine. I also tried applying anti-bacterial cream on the cut even though the label explicitly instructs the users not to put the cream on an open wound. Well screw that, I'm hurting badly.
It's good to be free from work and all, but the bills are piling up. I've received calls from different companies asking me to pay up. Hold your horses, people. A few late bills won't bankrupt you. Family will be back soon to handle it, I think. If not, just give me a few more days when I can actually walk up and down the stairs without doubling in pain at the end of each flight.
A little help now would be nice.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Truth
Still no sign of them. I want to give up hoping. I'm tired of the stress and anxiety that have built up within me.
I told friends that they're back, but I lied. I don't want them to worry, or to pity me. I can do this on my own. At least I've been trying to. There's a lot to take care of, but I'll manage, I'm sure. Just gotta learn one step at a time, is all.
I still eat one or two meals a day, which I haven't denied. I can be pretty convincing with my storytelling. I tell them I got used to eating little, that I only really needed one meal a day now, and people would buy it. If I don't feel like going to places, I tell them my family has to take me out, or the car is unavailable, and they won't question me about it. If I have to bus far to places, I'll do it. They think I get dropped off, and that's fine, too. They don't need to know what's going on. They won't care anyway, so I might as well suck it up.
But I can't keep it bottled up. So here's the truth. I know no one reads this, so the truth will remain a secret.
As much as I want support, I won't ask. I'll be able.
I told friends that they're back, but I lied. I don't want them to worry, or to pity me. I can do this on my own. At least I've been trying to. There's a lot to take care of, but I'll manage, I'm sure. Just gotta learn one step at a time, is all.
I still eat one or two meals a day, which I haven't denied. I can be pretty convincing with my storytelling. I tell them I got used to eating little, that I only really needed one meal a day now, and people would buy it. If I don't feel like going to places, I tell them my family has to take me out, or the car is unavailable, and they won't question me about it. If I have to bus far to places, I'll do it. They think I get dropped off, and that's fine, too. They don't need to know what's going on. They won't care anyway, so I might as well suck it up.
But I can't keep it bottled up. So here's the truth. I know no one reads this, so the truth will remain a secret.
As much as I want support, I won't ask. I'll be able.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Need rest
Several days already, and still no word. What the heck is going on.
I think it’s getting to me. Getting even more careless at work these days. I was holding a cardboard box to my stomach to secure it. My left hand grasped the opposite end of the box, at the edge where the tape running down the middle folded to the connecting side. I had a cutter in my right hand and I was gonna slice the tape from the bottom up, cutting towards my left hand. That’s when I got careless.
I missed my mark and poked myself with the blade in my abdomen. But it wasn’t a wide cut or anything. Not even a centimetre in length. But it felt deep, and it showed on my uniform. I thought I just skinned myself at first because I recoiled so fast from the pain, and figured it couldn’t have gone deep. There wasn’t any blood either, although my shirt now had a small slit. I worked through that little accident for another minute or so, cringing every time I stretched upwards to grab more boxes or to lift things up. It wasn’t long before I noticed bloody handprints on the boxes and took my break soon after. Had to wait for someone to cover for me, too, and that was the longest wait ever.
Got myself a band-aid that proved useless, and I think I passed out in the lunchroom and was late swiping out to end my lunch break. And since I was out for my lunch break, it meant I didn’t eat today for 9 hours straight. I still haven’t eaten. I don’t want to eat though. The pain in my stomach has drained all my appetite from me.
Okay, enough writing. I need to rest.
Maybe tomorrow they'll be here.
I think it’s getting to me. Getting even more careless at work these days. I was holding a cardboard box to my stomach to secure it. My left hand grasped the opposite end of the box, at the edge where the tape running down the middle folded to the connecting side. I had a cutter in my right hand and I was gonna slice the tape from the bottom up, cutting towards my left hand. That’s when I got careless.
I missed my mark and poked myself with the blade in my abdomen. But it wasn’t a wide cut or anything. Not even a centimetre in length. But it felt deep, and it showed on my uniform. I thought I just skinned myself at first because I recoiled so fast from the pain, and figured it couldn’t have gone deep. There wasn’t any blood either, although my shirt now had a small slit. I worked through that little accident for another minute or so, cringing every time I stretched upwards to grab more boxes or to lift things up. It wasn’t long before I noticed bloody handprints on the boxes and took my break soon after. Had to wait for someone to cover for me, too, and that was the longest wait ever.
Got myself a band-aid that proved useless, and I think I passed out in the lunchroom and was late swiping out to end my lunch break. And since I was out for my lunch break, it meant I didn’t eat today for 9 hours straight. I still haven’t eaten. I don’t want to eat though. The pain in my stomach has drained all my appetite from me.
Okay, enough writing. I need to rest.
Maybe tomorrow they'll be here.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Prolonged solitude
It’s been just over a week now. They’re still not here. There’s no one I can call to ask where they are right now. I don’t know the airline they used, nor do I know anyone in Asia that would know where they might be. A little annoyed that they haven’t told me why they’re delayed, but I’m also a little concerned. But they’re together at least, unlike me. They’ll be okay.
Endured another week of tiring labour and studies. House is still unkempt, but once my only midterm is done, I’ll get cracking probably. And do grocery runs as well. I’ve barely eaten the past couple of days. I have to wake up so early on work days I just sacrifice a meal for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I can’t say it’s a bad choice. And I go on my lunch breaks at around 3:30-4, which means they unstick my hunger pangs, but they also ruin my appetites for dinner. I’m too tired to eat dinner in the next couple of hours after, so one meal is sufficient for me to survive the day.
Well, another battle tomorrow. Hope they come back soonish.
Endured another week of tiring labour and studies. House is still unkempt, but once my only midterm is done, I’ll get cracking probably. And do grocery runs as well. I’ve barely eaten the past couple of days. I have to wake up so early on work days I just sacrifice a meal for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I can’t say it’s a bad choice. And I go on my lunch breaks at around 3:30-4, which means they unstick my hunger pangs, but they also ruin my appetites for dinner. I’m too tired to eat dinner in the next couple of hours after, so one meal is sufficient for me to survive the day.
Well, another battle tomorrow. Hope they come back soonish.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Relief
Having finally dropped one of my courses officially, that interesting film course made unbearable by that loathsome woman, I’m finally feeling less overwhelmed. Not yet underwhelmed, but it’s a welcome break nonetheless.
Been staying dry these past couple of days. Alcohol’s kinda expensive anyway. But a bottle after a long shift at work would be nice. Maybe after I’ve saved up a bit I’ll indulge myself a little. I need breaks anyway.
Speaking of work, I’m getting sliced up again these days. I think it’s because I’m working early morning shifts and my motor coordination doesn’t kick in at that time. Scratching myself up left and right, adding stains to my red shirt. At least the stains are still subtle.
And family will be back in a week. Should be good. Home is a mess these days, with linty carpets and greasy kitchen counters and dying plants and whatnot.
Been staying dry these past couple of days. Alcohol’s kinda expensive anyway. But a bottle after a long shift at work would be nice. Maybe after I’ve saved up a bit I’ll indulge myself a little. I need breaks anyway.
Speaking of work, I’m getting sliced up again these days. I think it’s because I’m working early morning shifts and my motor coordination doesn’t kick in at that time. Scratching myself up left and right, adding stains to my red shirt. At least the stains are still subtle.
And family will be back in a week. Should be good. Home is a mess these days, with linty carpets and greasy kitchen counters and dying plants and whatnot.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Bloodshot
I woke up at around 10am today, but I was at work at 7:53am. That was painful. My stomach growled for the longest time, and I didn't get to have my 15-minute breaks. The day was long and dull. That is to say, there was no excitement, although there was so much crap to take care of. Yearned sleep so badly. Unlike in the summer when I couldn't stay awake for 15 minutes, I was not that exhausted, but I needed sleep. A willful desire that frustrated me greatly.
And I got other things to take care of, so that didn't help ease my mind. I expect troubled sleep tonight.
Last thought; I came by something interesting tonight. While getting ready for shower in my bathroom, I found a long string of hair on my foot. It was about 5 inches long. Whose was it? Where did it come from? No one (excluding myself) has been up there for weeks. How did it get there?
And I got other things to take care of, so that didn't help ease my mind. I expect troubled sleep tonight.
Last thought; I came by something interesting tonight. While getting ready for shower in my bathroom, I found a long string of hair on my foot. It was about 5 inches long. Whose was it? Where did it come from? No one (excluding myself) has been up there for weeks. How did it get there?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Go reproduce asexually
I've been off the booze for a while now. It's been different. I kind of miss the cool beverage on heated days, but I'll get over it I think.
After a month of absence, I returned to class to get my assignment handout which was actually handed out four weeks ago. Well, I was going to go to lecture first, but I was 30 minutes late, and it was just the screening of some horror film, so I decided to watch it by myself at the library, which I did. I almost fell asleep watching it. Horror films don't faze me anymore. They all seem so unrealistic to me now.
Went to tutorial. TA went to Mexico for reasons unknown to me, so the professor substituted for her. Saw the rest of the horror film that wasn't screened in lecture due to lack of time, which I had to sit through again. I just wanted to get my assignment handout and go. After the movie was done I asked the professor for the assignment and that's when all hell broke lose.
She accused me of being a bad student, for not being dedicated, and said that it was evident I was missing classes. Saying I cared not for the course, my grades, and most likely my life and future. Ended it by saying she wasn't feeling charitable at the moment and didn't know if she should even give me the assignment because I probably wouldn't do it anyway. My hand itched then; I was so close to smacking her across the face.
Tell me, "professor," how would you know if I have been to classes or not? Evident? You don't even take attendance in lecture, and you're definitely not my TA, unless you got fatter and uglier overnight. And my TA isn't even a looker; she's at the other end of the spectrum as well. Did you take a second to consider why I might have been absent all along? And now that I come to class to try to redeem myself you have to insult and discourage me? Go reproduce asexually. I hope you read this someday somehow and realize how close you were from visiting the hospital. I'm never going back to your class again. Or maybe just to wreak havoc.
After a month of absence, I returned to class to get my assignment handout which was actually handed out four weeks ago. Well, I was going to go to lecture first, but I was 30 minutes late, and it was just the screening of some horror film, so I decided to watch it by myself at the library, which I did. I almost fell asleep watching it. Horror films don't faze me anymore. They all seem so unrealistic to me now.
Went to tutorial. TA went to Mexico for reasons unknown to me, so the professor substituted for her. Saw the rest of the horror film that wasn't screened in lecture due to lack of time, which I had to sit through again. I just wanted to get my assignment handout and go. After the movie was done I asked the professor for the assignment and that's when all hell broke lose.
She accused me of being a bad student, for not being dedicated, and said that it was evident I was missing classes. Saying I cared not for the course, my grades, and most likely my life and future. Ended it by saying she wasn't feeling charitable at the moment and didn't know if she should even give me the assignment because I probably wouldn't do it anyway. My hand itched then; I was so close to smacking her across the face.
Tell me, "professor," how would you know if I have been to classes or not? Evident? You don't even take attendance in lecture, and you're definitely not my TA, unless you got fatter and uglier overnight. And my TA isn't even a looker; she's at the other end of the spectrum as well. Did you take a second to consider why I might have been absent all along? And now that I come to class to try to redeem myself you have to insult and discourage me? Go reproduce asexually. I hope you read this someday somehow and realize how close you were from visiting the hospital. I'm never going back to your class again. Or maybe just to wreak havoc.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Gotcha
So I was doing Skype with a friend and this turned up on my webcam. I didn't dare turn around. Took a snapshot instead.
Please leave me alone.
Please leave me alone.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Restless
With a major assignment to finish for class and work at 7:50am this morning, I had no choice but to stay up the entire night after a 9.5-hour shift. I'm about to have another 9-hour shift. Work is steadily taxing my energy, and with home maintenance and school to take care of as well, it's steadily breaking me down physically and mentally. I don't eat regularly, I don't sleep regularly, and my marks are undoubtedly dropping as well. It wouldn't be so bad if friends dropped by now and then, but with mid-terms going on for most students, they haven't been coming. It doesn't help that co-workers are somewhat hostile towards me. Probably because I'm the new guy.
I can't take much more of this.
I can't take much more of this.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I need a break
After working three days in a row, it was good to have a deep sleep at the end of the night knowing all my shifts were done for the week. Unfortunately, my dreams weren't so kind to me. I dreamt that I was at work.
But not only that, the customers kept asking me to help them out in other departments, ones I had virtually no experience with. There was a sale going on for portable solar generators at $39.99 apiece. Since the tech department was understaffed at the time, I had to help them out with restocking and doing inventory. They may have "portable" in the name, but these sunlight suckers weighed a ton. I don't remember how many customers asked for them or how many I sold, but I do remember them not wanting the extra warranty, or the extended service plan as they called it, which meant no bonuses for me as we get commission for selling warranties. Totally sucked.
After work today I had a birthday party to attend. The food was amazing, and there was a great variety of it, too. I helped myself to several plates, and had to take a breather halfway through the fourth. It only took moments for me to start drifting off to sleep. All these people were talking to me and I barely responded with nods and monosyllabic comments. I can't even recall what those conversations were about. I just wanted to sleep, just drop my head on my crossed arms on the table and snooze. Even all that background music and speeches wouldn't keep me up.
But now, at 2:18 AM, I'm wide awake after my shower. Curses.
But not only that, the customers kept asking me to help them out in other departments, ones I had virtually no experience with. There was a sale going on for portable solar generators at $39.99 apiece. Since the tech department was understaffed at the time, I had to help them out with restocking and doing inventory. They may have "portable" in the name, but these sunlight suckers weighed a ton. I don't remember how many customers asked for them or how many I sold, but I do remember them not wanting the extra warranty, or the extended service plan as they called it, which meant no bonuses for me as we get commission for selling warranties. Totally sucked.
After work today I had a birthday party to attend. The food was amazing, and there was a great variety of it, too. I helped myself to several plates, and had to take a breather halfway through the fourth. It only took moments for me to start drifting off to sleep. All these people were talking to me and I barely responded with nods and monosyllabic comments. I can't even recall what those conversations were about. I just wanted to sleep, just drop my head on my crossed arms on the table and snooze. Even all that background music and speeches wouldn't keep me up.
But now, at 2:18 AM, I'm wide awake after my shower. Curses.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Yo, don't play
Most frustrating day at work so far. Customers kept asking me to lead them to products, and every time I bring them there they're gone already. I should walk with them side by side next time. Or just ignore them. Or give them the finger. Sss.
Even when friends dropped by to visit me didn't brighten up my day. It was nice of them, but I was so tired I just wanted to sit alone, or nap. But i didn't want to be mean.
Even when friends dropped by to visit me didn't brighten up my day. It was nice of them, but I was so tired I just wanted to sit alone, or nap. But i didn't want to be mean.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Filling that void
Restocked my fridge with some meats and dairy products. It was a good grocery run. Can't buy too much at once because I don't cook every meal of the day, nor do I eat every meal of the day.
On the way home, a swarm of five squirrels swept past my feet. I almost dropped my food. Dang long-tailed rats.
On the way home, a swarm of five squirrels swept past my feet. I almost dropped my food. Dang long-tailed rats.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Hunger
Been pretty hungry lately. Cleaned out the fridge, almost. Gonna have to do a grocery run soon.
Didn't get much schoolwork done again. I wanna do other things instead.
Didn't get much schoolwork done again. I wanna do other things instead.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Revision
Didn't go to class again. Stayed home instead. Behind in schoolwork anyway. School is such a hassle these days. Wish I didn't have to go.
Downed some beer to ease my mind for reading.
It was a nice nap.
And again he came. I only caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eyes. Just a fleeting image. But I'm quite certain he was there.
Downed some beer to ease my mind for reading.
It was a nice nap.
And again he came. I only caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eyes. Just a fleeting image. But I'm quite certain he was there.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The revisitor
When I came home from work today - another bloody battle, by the way - I found today's newspaper and letters on my table. I only opened the front door to leave for work this morning. How did those papers get on my table, at least twenty feet away from the front door?
They weren't scattered, nor were they neatly stacked, as if whoever dropped them there was in a hurry.
Do I have a benevolent housemate?
Can you please show yourself?
They weren't scattered, nor were they neatly stacked, as if whoever dropped them there was in a hurry.
Do I have a benevolent housemate?
Can you please show yourself?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Crimson joy
I had a shift today. And yes, I got work done. Oh yeah. Loved every second of it.
Picked up two cases of beer after work for dinner.
Picked up two cases of beer after work for dinner.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The visitor
I returned home today to find my TV on. Just the set and not the cable. Odd. I can't remember the last time I watched TV. I certainly have turned it on during this past week, but I can't remember the most recent time I was using it.
Seconds later, I heard footsteps and carpet creaking above me. Was he back? The one from before? The following children's poem leapt into mind:
As I was walking up the stairs,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish I wish he'd go away.
I crept up the dark stairway to the third floor. I was just there about three minutes ago showering. Was he there the entire time? Since I'm home alone these days, I've picked up the habit of not closing doors when I relieved myself on the john, when I showered, when I changed, etc. Was he watching me?
First I entered the master bedroom, wielding my cell phone as a flashlight. I checked under the bed. Checked behind the bed. Checked the master bathroom, the one I was just in. The walk-in closet was the only remaining space a man could hide. A shiver seized my heart as I wrapped my cold fingers on the icy doorknob. No one uses the walk-in closet, even though it was packed with clothes. I slowly opened the door and peered inside. Just clothes. Nothing stirred. I looked up at the tiny trapdoor that led to, in my mind, without any factual basis of where it truly led, the unexplored attic. I closed the door to the closet.
I doubt he's up there, but the thought of the contrary remains.
Seconds later, I heard footsteps and carpet creaking above me. Was he back? The one from before? The following children's poem leapt into mind:
As I was walking up the stairs,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish I wish he'd go away.
I crept up the dark stairway to the third floor. I was just there about three minutes ago showering. Was he there the entire time? Since I'm home alone these days, I've picked up the habit of not closing doors when I relieved myself on the john, when I showered, when I changed, etc. Was he watching me?
First I entered the master bedroom, wielding my cell phone as a flashlight. I checked under the bed. Checked behind the bed. Checked the master bathroom, the one I was just in. The walk-in closet was the only remaining space a man could hide. A shiver seized my heart as I wrapped my cold fingers on the icy doorknob. No one uses the walk-in closet, even though it was packed with clothes. I slowly opened the door and peered inside. Just clothes. Nothing stirred. I looked up at the tiny trapdoor that led to, in my mind, without any factual basis of where it truly led, the unexplored attic. I closed the door to the closet.
I doubt he's up there, but the thought of the contrary remains.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Blood stained uniform
I had work today. I dreaded it. Nothing interesting ever happens. Well, I guess stuff does happen, like getting my hands and arms cut open on every shift. First one was a slice from the caged ladder we use to shelf products. Second one was a paper cut or something. And then I took another hit recently from the same ladder. My uniform has dark little stains on it now, and they're all from my bloodied limbs. It doesn't feel like I accomplished anything unless I got bloodied up. Takes hard work to produce good results, right? Well, it didn't feel like I got much done today because I didn't get hurt in like seven hours straight. So I asked my boss for his handy xacto knife in his pocket and got some work done today. I have parallel scars now. They look so cool.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Ahhh......crap
That beer sure hit the spot. Maybe I should've drank it first before I showered, instead of leaving it out, shower, and then drink it. Cold beer is better than lukewarm beer. I'm not spitting it out though.
And I think I'm on to something. You know the last entry? Yea, that one? About the glasses and the unreal and the screen, yea? Yea. That one. I think it's true. Because he can't really be in here...
And I think I'm on to something. You know the last entry? Yea, that one? About the glasses and the unreal and the screen, yea? Yea. That one. I think it's true. Because he can't really be in here...
More rain
All that drizzling zaps my energy. Didn't finish my assignment last night, so I didn't go to school today. Still haven't finished my assignment. Whatever. Don't get me wrong though, I gave it a go. Ideas weren't coming to me, so I tried to ease my mind. Drank two beers for that.
Fell asleep.
Woke up later a little wobbly.
Ever wonder about glasses? Not like beer glasses or shot glasses. The ones that go on your face in front of your eyes. No, not beer goggles. Eyeglasses. They're interesting. By that I mean disorienting. I mean, think about it. What does one usually see when one looks through a screen? Computers, TVs, MP3 players. All presenting things of insignificance. All unreal. Even telescopes or binoculars. Sure they're real, but they're out of reach, unattainable. Never good to look through a screen, I tell ya.
So I'm walking around the house with glasses on, and nothing seems real anymore. I feel disconnected from myself, like a voyeur observing what this body is doing. What I do is of no consequence. Nothing I do matters, and I certainly don't have to pay for my mistakes, because I'm not really me. Know what I mean? It all makes sense.
I need a beer.
Fell asleep.
Woke up later a little wobbly.
Ever wonder about glasses? Not like beer glasses or shot glasses. The ones that go on your face in front of your eyes. No, not beer goggles. Eyeglasses. They're interesting. By that I mean disorienting. I mean, think about it. What does one usually see when one looks through a screen? Computers, TVs, MP3 players. All presenting things of insignificance. All unreal. Even telescopes or binoculars. Sure they're real, but they're out of reach, unattainable. Never good to look through a screen, I tell ya.
So I'm walking around the house with glasses on, and nothing seems real anymore. I feel disconnected from myself, like a voyeur observing what this body is doing. What I do is of no consequence. Nothing I do matters, and I certainly don't have to pay for my mistakes, because I'm not really me. Know what I mean? It all makes sense.
I need a beer.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Rain, rain, rain
No school today, no work today. Play time! Well, I do have that major assignment to take care of, but whatever. Not gonna let my free time slip away like that.
Honestly though, I might be a little too swamped these days. Being alone at home with school and work to juggle, I might just have to cut down on the less important things.
Also skipped out on friend's birthday dinner today. What can I say? It's pouring outside. Even if I'm the only one invited to it.
Enough writing. More playing now.
Honestly though, I might be a little too swamped these days. Being alone at home with school and work to juggle, I might just have to cut down on the less important things.
Also skipped out on friend's birthday dinner today. What can I say? It's pouring outside. Even if I'm the only one invited to it.
Enough writing. More playing now.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Freedom!
So as many of you know, my whole family, excluding me, has gone out of town on vacation, leaving me, myself, and I home alone.
I love my life.
As master of the house I can do whatever I want now. Eat when I want to eat, eat what I want to eat, sleep when I want to sleep, and do whatever else I want to do. It's all me right now and I'm loving it. No more nagging, nobody to breathe down my neck and tell me what to do.
First things on my agenda:
Chill with homies
Load up on merch
Booze up
Go to work
Gonna be the most chilling time. Freedom!!!
I love my life.
As master of the house I can do whatever I want now. Eat when I want to eat, eat what I want to eat, sleep when I want to sleep, and do whatever else I want to do. It's all me right now and I'm loving it. No more nagging, nobody to breathe down my neck and tell me what to do.
First things on my agenda:
Chill with homies
Load up on merch
Booze up
Go to work
Gonna be the most chilling time. Freedom!!!
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