Does anyone else ever feel it? Feel like this? Is this what's felt? I'm disconnected, omnipresent, I drift around this body and I see only through it. I'm pretty dizzy right now. Stressed? Yes. Feeling like my head's being pounded with an anvil onto a hammer. I'm sick. Been sick for a week. Weak? No. Not. I've been tough, I know. Strong, even, in context, yes.

The area of infection or whatever it is has grown. Green and callous. Bumpy, but jagged like so, like scales. It's been how long since I nicked myself? Can't recall. One would think that days, everyday all days are one when one is house-ridden. Nah. Every single day is uniquely miserable. On a particularly precipitous morning I can do my laundry. But I can't afford to overexert myself when food is scarce and every ounce of energy matters. On a particularly precipitous day I also get to drink. I can go on and on and on and on but I'd rather not because I'm feeling it right now and I don't want this thought to drift away.

So do others feel it? Feel this? A sense of unreality. A heightened sense of doubt. A sense of being lost when the surroundings never change. I dream at night. I sleep often now. I dream when I sleep and that seems to be certain. I dream and what I see is consistent. But how can it be? How does that happen? It's vivid, it's sensual. I'm aware. So tell me how. How? You can't. No one can. Who can tell me it's not real when what I see when I "sleep" is much more consistent, much more solid than what I see when I wake? Who can explain him? Why is he still here? I'm very curious. I want to know his reason. Why? Why not in dreams? Why here why now but not in dreams? Don't get me wrong. I don't prefer dreams over reality. Or is it reality over dreams? Either way they're ambiguous and I find it extremely difficult to classify one or the other. The phone still works. that's nice. They've been telling me to go find my family. To take myself out of this place and fly to another country. How. I should be bedridden. I'm rebelling against better judgment, against better health to move around the house. Someone's gotta keep up the housekeeping. Why go and find them? They're supposed to find me.

But do only I feel it, feel this? What's felt?

A call

I was startled awake this morning. Haven't heard the phone ring in the longest time. Work called. Told me they were no longer work. At least to me, anyway. I suppose it makes no difference to me at this point. It's not like I've been making money for the past while anyway. But perhaps I should have reported this to head office for some sort of injury pay. Too late now.

The pain has ceased, but it doesn't look good. The scar tissue is green and jagged, and I'm using pretty tame words here. I can't even begin to describe its ugliness.

Sigh.

Cracks in the mask

Been saving up energy on my generator. The dark skies these days don't help at all. Only recently did I get enough juice to even consider risk using the computer.

Confined to my home, I've been trying to reach out to others through the phone. It still works, even though I haven't been up to date with the bills. I'm not complaining though.

But I do complain, just not about the phone service, although it's been virtually useless. I call, but they don't pick up. Ring. Ring. Until that recorded voice tells me to give up. No one calls back.

Sleep has been bad. I wake up in sweat, or lie awake in sweat. One happens as often as the other. Been having stressful dreams. The man invades them. I thought he was behind me, a thing of the past. I was wrong. I don't want to be wrong. I just want to rest.

I enjoyed the isolation, the quietness. But enough. Don't do this. I don't know how much more of this front I can put up. I used to write frequently on another blog. But it's meaningless to don a mask if no one sees the mask anymore, or if there's no one left to hide from. But the mask is crucial. It's been so much a part of me. A skin of sanity. I have to save what I can. Save "face".

Pitched into darkness

Without warning, the lights were out. Actually, there had been warnings. Countless phone calls, and finally, as I only discovered recently, a warning through the post. They cut off my electricity.

I don't remember the exact day this happened. It's been a while now. The fridge had been room temperature for the past day or two now, and things are beginning to smell. I've tried to clear it out before the food spoiled, but at the same time I need to save some for later.

I've still been resting at home most of these days, not that it helped. My abdomen still hurts, though not any more severe than before. That's the only thing I can take comfort in as far as this is concerned.

I went out to my workplace today to try and fix the problem. I bought one of those solar power generators. No longer on sale, it cost me around $70 with my discount. I also told them I couldn't come back to work just yet because of my injury, and they seemed rather displeased. But what can I do.

It was a real pain lugging that thing back home. Took a while to get enough juice into it to run my desktop. Here I am now. Still alive. More than I can say about the houseplants though...